“I don’t want to be like this!” I want to scream. I would do anything to escape this sad, small existence. Therein lies the problem. — These selected excerpts are from a journal I brought on a recent trip to Boston. They contain content that may be sensitive to those struggling with eating disorders, food, and weight. The last time I was in Boston, I was very sick. I didn’t know how long the sickness would…

Society tells me I’m being considerate, but my compliance may be causing more harm than I realize. — It took me months after my last drink until I was ready to be around drinking, and more months until I could step foot in a bar. My first booze-free birthday was spent alone in the woods because hiking was one of the few activities from the time before that…

It’s 2001 and I am somewhere around 8 years old. I live in an unremarkable ranch house in a Connecticut suburb with my large homeschooling family. My sister Caroline and I share a double bed in the basement, which doubles as a schoolroom during the day. Each night, we have…

Look at my old art to “inspire myself” (but really feel sorry for myself because I “wasted” the creativity of my youth) Think about how I can never finish anything Eat a sad quesadilla and burn tongue Organize my art supplies until they look too pretty to actually use Complain…

This essay began as a therapy exercise in a residential eating disorder treatment center. For whatever reason, I had sketched my favorite pair of jeans in the middle of a sheet of paper, then filled the white space with words. Here are those words. Our paths first crossed in the…

For the longest time, I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my mental health. I thought that if I played by the rules and didn’t get in anyone’s way, things would eventually work out. The first time I became suicidal was when I was 16. I felt like I was doing…

follow-up to thoughts on 1 year dry When I moved to Seattle just a few days before 2019 began, I was deep into what had been a brief but rapidly escalating relationship with alcohol. I started my days with a cocktail of vodka and Monster energy drink, a concoction I…

One of the sneaky things my brain does is convince myself that I’m not sick enough at the first sign of getting help. It’s Christmas evening and I’m lying on my couch watching Klaus and picking at a salad. Despite being invited by friends to join them in their intimate…

I stand in front of my cabinet and try to make a decision. I realize that the factors contributing to my ultimate choice are not normal. When most people choose what to have for dinner, they ask themselves the following questions: “Will this taste good?” “Am I hungry for this?” …